I feel worn out and sad. Nights run late while mornings balk at delays regardless of the timing of the previous day’s conclusion. The knowledge that this virus will likely last for considerably longer wears me down further. When today feels hard, the future weeks and months seem impossible. Then, my mind races. The questions of how am I going to…. hover like swarms of angry hornets menacingly looking for a reason to bombard me if I pause long enough to give thought to my fears. So, I try to keep us all moving, but the exhaustion within my soul stops me before my body physically tires.
Other people have far greater needs and struggles than I do at this time. But, if I admitted that I am presently sitting on the kitchen floor pretending I am not swallowing back tears while my toddler beats a frozen bag of carrots against the tile floor as I stare at a half made dinner feeling overwhelmed by simply preparing a meal…. would anyone hear me? My voice feels lost, overpowered by this microscopic battle that overshadows all of humanity. I crave belonging and connection to others that cannot occur virtually. The core of my being has been furloughed, a nonessential. In the essential physical existence that remains, I struggle to find myself behind the robotic, monotonous day to day life that no longer breathes or feels.
I will get up. I will finish the meal. But, the struggle is real. Behind the charts, the day to day organization, the accomplishments, and the silly family pictures I text, there are these moments, moments that several months ago I would likely have not shared on a public forum. Maybe I am the only person who feels this way or maybe there is another person sitting on a kitchen floor somewhere else in the world tonight wondering… Does anyone hear me? Am I alone? Can I do this? Knowing someone else might reach out, grasp a hand, and say, “I don’t know the way either, but I am with you.”..perhaps that, rather than the bitter, fault finding that seems to dominate media streams might pull us all through.
No one person has the answers to the problems facing our world. Turn on every news show and read every article. Many people have theories, questions, and blame. But, a solution? No. None exists. The solution will not announce itself. It will prove itself over time. We will only know the effectiveness of any strategy by looking backward not forward, and only in retrospect might we discover the solution.
In the meantime, if you feel a hand reaching for yours, hold on tight. We may stumble in the darkness, but we will make it through by hanging on together.